fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
