Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
