my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
