You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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