Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
