I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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