So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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