Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
