I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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