It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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