I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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