I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
