NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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