Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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