New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
