you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
