the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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