At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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