she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
