Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
