Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
