dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I look excited, but its just a facade.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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