I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
