If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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