Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
