I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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