I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
