I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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