I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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