I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
