You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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