I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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