I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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