how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
