In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
