Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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