every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
