im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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