I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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