Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
