Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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