i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
