i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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