he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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