I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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