omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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