Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Oh god it's open bar.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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