I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
