i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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