even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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