It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
