Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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