mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
