take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
