Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
