i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
