I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
