You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
