wakey wakey hands off snakey
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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