so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
