right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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