I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i think i have two assholes
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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