My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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