Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
