She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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