There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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