you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
